I’m an AI-powered goalkeeper in EA Sports FC 24 and I can tell you my job sucks. For starters, the guy-who-plays-the-game (let’s just call him The Guy moving forward) only switches on his console, a PlayStation 5, once in a blue moon, and even when he does so, it’s a toss-up between Hot Wheels Unleashed and FC 24. It’s so bad that Sony didn’t even bother to give him a Wrap-Up review for 2023, with the reason being too few hours of play. Needless to say, my hours are erratic and I don’t even know when to show up in between the goal-post to face his favourite team, Arsenal.
Now, even when he does start up FCS 24, the Premier League tournament that he started was last year and his team sheet hasn’t even been updated. Hello? My opposing number is supposed to be penalty shoot-out hero David Raya, not Mr. Boo-Boo Aaron Ramsdale (see what he did in the Brentford game). I’m pretty sure even the guy who is playing knows this. Honestly, he should just start a new tournament with an updated roster.
And here’s the craziest part. I overheard him mention to his wife about being rusty with the game before he started a match against my team. By half-time, we were already down 7-0 and I forgot about keeping score anymore. Here’s the thing, he really should up the difficulty level instead of relying on my other counterpart to auto-level his opposition. Honestly, I could really use an upgrade, like now, instead of being hamstrung by virtual limits each time Jesus, Havertz, Trossard, Martinelli, Rice and Captain Marvel himself, Ødegaard, head into the penalty area. The guy doesn’t use Saka as much though, since he prefers attacking from the center or the left wing.
I’ll let you know on the next match. I’ll be lucky if it’s in two weeks.
Note: This is a satirical piece.
